Press release: Sega announces Sonic and the Roman Empire for the Wii

By: Michael Carusi | February 20th, 2010

The following is a leaked press release about a hot new upcoming Sega title.  It’s also 100% serious.  Really.

Sega of Europe Ltd. and Sega of America Inc. announced today Sonic and the Roman Empire exclusively for the Wii.  This new installment of the Sonic storybook series will cast Sonic the Hedgehog into ancient Rome, where players will see if they have what it takes to become a true Roman champion, Roman gladiator, Roman emperor, or whatever marketing buzz word gives this game the most hype.  Sonic will battle wild barbarians, Roman rebels, and any other enemies that Sonic Team thought looked the most interesting on Wikipedia.

Exclusive screenshot of Sonic and the Roman Empire

The Sonic ensemble characters that everyone knows and loves will be making appearances.  The following cast members have been confirmed:

Miles “Tails” Prower as Marius, the Great Man of the Army
Knuckles as Trajan, the Kind Hearted Soldier
Shadow the Hedgehog as Caesar, General, Politician, and Statesman of Rome – Caesar/Shadow’s murder scene will be included at the request of fans.  By the way, if you didn’t want the game spoiled, don’t read that sentence.
Dr. Ivo Robotnik Eggman as Hannibal, Carthaginian General
The lead game developer as Nero, the Mad Emperor, who will reportedly fiddle while Sonic Team makes this game

Sonic and the Roman Empire will take place in breathtaking Roman locales of dubious historical accuracy, rendered with Dreamcast-level graphics on the Wii.

A Sega executive, who spoke on condition of anonymity, praised Sonic and the Roman Empire. “After the success of our Sonic Storybook series, we are excited to take this franchise in new directions.” The source said while somehow keeping a straight face. “We see a lot of potential in placing a blue rodent in several arbitrary mythological or historical settings.”

Unconfirmed reports state that a preorder incentive by Gamestop will come with a booklet detailing games that you could better spend your money on, as well as more productive ways for Sonic Team to spend money.