Kotaku serves up an interesting story regarding a rejected piece of art for the ‘Childkiller’ status in Fallout 2.

For the uninitiated, Fallout 2 had a status known as ‘Child Killer’.  That’s right – Fallout 2 lets you do what not even Grand Theft Auto IV, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, or Fallout 3 dared to: Attack children.  There are serious repercussions if you get the label, though.  Here’s the artwork in question, if you can’t be bothered to hit the link:

This obviously shouldn’t require too much explanation on why it was ultimately left out of Fallout 2.  It was dropped out of the game in favor of the less-inflammatory “Hated” reputation icon.  Kotaku also answers a potential question:

“I don’t think you’ll go to hell for laughing at this…”

Whew!

“…but you will if you imagine it accompanied by a Looney Tunes kettle drum sound, like I did.”

Aw, crap.  Anyway, check out the article for some interesting input by Brian Menze, whose DeviantART page was where the art was posted.

From: SPARTAN Commander Carter-A259 <cartman@unsc.gov>
To: Fleet Admiral Sir Terrence Hood <t-hood@unsc.gov>
Subject: UNSC training capacity
Message sent: July 7, 2552

Fleet Admiral,

I wanted to bring to your attention an issue of importance in our fight against the Covenant.  As you know, Warthog Jeeps have been vital in our ground strategy against Covenant forces in the war thus far.  However, my planetside campaigns have exposed a disturbing weakness among the UNSC Marines and ODST Helljumpers.  When a small squad of our men and I were confronted with a small army of Covenant, I immediately took control of the turret of our lone undamaged Warthog in order to efficiently dispatch the hostiles.  One of the soldiers took the while and another manned the passenger seat.

The soldier driving proceeded to drive in circles around the Covenant, swerving wildly so I was unable to get more than a few solid shots, before driving into a wall, backing up, and then driving into a wall again.  The passenger seat’s only recognizing of this baffling anomaly was to fire a five round burst at nothing with his assault rifle.  Enemy fire rained onto our Warthog, which sustained damage.

As these valiant men and women are defending humanity from certain extinction, if I may speak freely, sir, it is perplexing to see this lack of proper training.  I pass this letter on to you in the hope that it will be fixed; it would be unfortunate that Spartan-117 John to be left alone with UNSC marines of this caliber in three future campaigns.

Respectfully,
Commander Carter-A259

From: Fleet Admiral Sir Terrence Hood <t-hood@unsc.gov>
To: SPARTAN Commander Carter-A259 <cartman@unsc.gov>
Subject: Re: UNSC training capacity
Message sent: July 8, 2552

Commander,

Glad to see you made it through that planetary gauntlet alive – we’re sorry to hear that the Covenant ultimately glassed the planet.  Due to significant budget constraints and a need to replace numbers in the wake of massive casualties, we have had neither the time nor the money to incorporate Warthog driving test requirements as part of UNSC enlistment training.  Rest assured that we are making every effort to fix this problem.  In the meantime, use your Spartan training to man the Warthog driver’s seat.  UNSC troops will support you with sustained gunfire.

Please follow up when you get the chance.  We are eager to see how our UNSC marksmanship training program is working.

Respectfully,
Fleet Admiral Sir Terrence Hood

From: SPARTAN Commander Carter-A259 <cartman@unsc.gov>
To: Fleet Admiral Sir Terrence Hood <t-hood@unsc.gov>
Subject: UNSC Warthog update
Message sent: July 13, 2552

Fleet Admiral,

Sir, I regret to inform you that the USNC Marksmanship Program has not delivered the results you expected.  I took your advice and assigned one of my UNSC comrades to control the turret while another rode in the passenger seat.  Upon our very first encounter with Covenant on the planet <location censored as per UNSC protocol>, my gunner immediately swiveled his gun and fired several times at the gun several feet away from the Covenant.  Only two of forty subsequent bursts hit a Covenant Grunt, which simply shrugged off the attack as Elites pelted our Warthog with plasma grenades.  I was forced to simply run over the hostiles because our passenger seemed unwilling or unable to fire rounds.

Upon stopping the Warthog and furiously questioning the UNSC gunner, his only response was to shoot twice at a Grunt corpse and yell “Get up, so I can kill you again!” This and other incidents suggest that UNSC soldiers have greater accuracy against enemy corpses and are unwilling to directly respond to superior officers.  I would cite these men for insubordination and dereliction of duty, but shortly after we dismounted from our Warthog they walked directly into enemy gunfire and were torn apart.

Respectfully,
Commander Carter-A259

From: Fleet Admiral Sir Terrence Hood <t-hood@unsc.gov>
To: SPARTAN Commander Carter-A259 <cartman@unsc.gov>
Subject: Re: UNSC Warthog update
Message sent: July 15, 2552

Commander,

As we all know troop morale of the Human-Covenant War is taking serious hits after the continual glassing of planets by Covenant forces.  Any soldier irregularities, anomalies, or lack of ability or willingness to fight can be attributed to the gradual advancement of the Covenant deeper and deeper into UNSC territory.  We’ve poured considerable amounts of time and resources into the SPARTAN program – we are hoping your elite training will compensate for the increasing lethargic nature of UNSC soldiers.

Respectfully,
Fleet Admiral Sir Terrence Hood

From: SPARTAN Commander Carter-A259 <cartman@unsc.gov>
To: Fleet Admiral Sir Terrence Hood <t-hood@unsc.gov>
Subject: Re: Re: UNSC Warthog update
Message sent: July 16, 2552

Fleet Admiral,

I must respectfully disagree on your attribution of UNSC soldier inefficiency to morale.  Whenever a squadron of UNSC soldiers follows me, they whoop and yell as loudly as if they have never experienced a war before.  Has the USNC not instigated a policy for soldiers to keep low and avoid detection?  Our luck in not being ambushed in response to our soldiers’ apparent testosterone rushes seems to be that Covenant squadrons are engaged in mild chatter of their own.

Again, I must inquire if there is a deadline for badly needed revitalization of UNSC training programs.  If the Covenant discover the location of Reach, our current UNSC defenses will be wholly inadequate to handle an attack by the Covenant.  What if Reach falls?

Respectfully,
Commander Carter-A259

From: Fleet Admiral Sir Terrence Hood <t-hood@unsc.gov>
To: SPARTAN Commander Carter-A259 <cartman@unsc.gov>
Subject: Re: Re: Re: UNSC Warthog update
Message sent: July 15, 2552

Commander,

As we have spent virtually every novelization hyping up Reach as an impregnable, undetectable stronghold, the chances of Reach being discovered, let alone conquered, are approximately seven hundred million to one.  Currently we cannot provide the data you have requested; in the meantime, I recommend using ODST Helljumpers in lieu of UNSC standard soldiers for Warthog assaults due to their higher levels of training.

Respectfully,
Fleet Admiral Sir Terrence Hood

From: SPARTAN Commander Carter-A259 <cartman@unsc.gov>
To: Fleet Admiral Sir Terrence Hood <t-hood@unsc.gov>
Subject: Really?
Message sent: July 16, 2552

Fleet Admiral,

Okay, now you’re just fucking with me, aren’t you?  The first Helljumper to attempt driving a Warthog drove me right off a cliff.  How is it that UNSC troops can handle dropships just fine, yet as soon as they climb into simple jeeps the training goes to hell?  Master Chief Petty Officer 117-John is already issuing similar complaints; what if he’s alone with USNC soldiers without other Spartans for backup?  It will be the end for us all.

Respectfully,
Commander Carter-A259

From: Fleet Admiral Sir Terrence Hood <t-hood@unsc.gov>
To: SPARTAN Commander Carter-A259 <cartman@unsc.gov>
Subject: Really? (AUTO REPLY)
Message sent: July 18, 2552

THIS IS AN AUTOMATIC REPLY: I am away from my office on a classified assignment and will not have access to this E-mail terminal for seven days.  If this is Carter, stop whining.  Until you’ve been among the ranks of General Kyong’s North Korean super soldiers, you haven’t seen bad training.  Worse still is the BSAA African branch operative training.  Did you know they waste valuable medical supplies on you if you get a paper cut?  Consider that when your UNSC men get a little annoying.  Good luck out there, soldier.

The following is a leaked press release about a hot new upcoming Sega title.  It’s also 100% serious.  Really.

Sega of Europe Ltd. and Sega of America Inc. announced today Sonic and the Roman Empire exclusively for the Wii.  This new installment of the Sonic storybook series will cast Sonic the Hedgehog into ancient Rome, where players will see if they have what it takes to become a true Roman champion, Roman gladiator, Roman emperor, or whatever marketing buzz word gives this game the most hype.  Sonic will battle wild barbarians, Roman rebels, and any other enemies that Sonic Team thought looked the most interesting on Wikipedia.

The Sonic ensemble characters that everyone knows and loves will be making appearances.  The following cast members have been confirmed:

Miles “Tails” Prower as Marius, the Great Man of the Army
Knuckles as Trajan, the Kind Hearted Soldier
Shadow the Hedgehog as Caesar, General, Politician, and Statesman of Rome – Caesar/Shadow’s murder scene will be included at the request of fans.  By the way, if you didn’t want the game spoiled, don’t read that sentence.
Dr. Ivo Robotnik Eggman as Hannibal, Carthaginian General
The lead game developer as Nero, the Mad Emperor, who will reportedly fiddle while Sonic Team makes this game

Sonic and the Roman Empire will take place in breathtaking Roman locales of dubious historical accuracy, rendered with Dreamcast-level graphics on the Wii.

A Sega executive, who spoke on condition of anonymity, praised Sonic and the Roman Empire. “After the success of our Sonic Storybook series, we are excited to take this franchise in new directions.” The source said while somehow keeping a straight face. “We see a lot of potential in placing a blue rodent in several arbitrary mythological or historical settings.”

Unconfirmed reports state that a preorder incentive by Gamestop will come with a booklet detailing games that you could better spend your money on, as well as more productive ways for Sonic Team to spend money.

When you start playing video games as a kid, as I did when I first picked up the NES controller at my cousins’ house, you notice some things about games as you get older.  A lot of things have changed: Maybe it’s been the huge advances from 8-bit technology to the glistening graphics we have today, maybe it’s much better gameplay elements, or maybe it’s just nostalgia.  Regardless, for every gamer there are some important points of self-discovery that shape perceptions about games in significant ways.  Here are some personal milestones for me, as it will.

Playing a game and enjoying it as a kid, then growing up and discovering it’s a turd
Ack, this one has a few immediate standouts.  One of my earliest PC games was this stinker:

Ah, Crusaders of Might and Magic.  Drake is a young lad whose family is murdered by legions of the evil dead in Medievalville because…I guess his family owed back taxes.  This was one of the first games rendered in “full 3D” so it had a lot of hype behind it, and the opening cinematic seemed so badass to an 11-something gamer like me.  Of course, it wasn’t until I got older that I noticed certain things.  Drake speaks with a hilariously casual tone of voice as he confronts the evil lord who killed his family, his face looks like it’s melting, and combat is so imbalanced and awkward looking that you’d swear the enemies were falling down from exhaustion due to some form of break-dancing.

Quest 64 also deserves mention for this category since I actually managed to finish it, albeit with heavy GameShark usage.  This seemed like an epic, heroic, moving tale of a young wizard/sorcerer named Brian who goes on a quest to find his father, stop evil lords, and ultimately confront a giant demon.  Later I would realize how silly the story is and how incomprehensibly boring the combat is, even for an old school RPG.  Maybe I was just entertained easily as a kid.

The first time you hated a game when all the reviews loved it
At some point in every young gamer’s life, he or she discovers that game reviews are, in fact, opinions, rather than the highest authority.  Upon playing this game, a gamer will realize it is perfectly rational to dislike a game when everyone else is heaping praise onto it.  What’s my game for this?

Few games induce as much bile in me as Star Wars Galaxies.  In a way it’s fitting that this was my introduction to MMORPGs because Star Wars Galaxies was an itemized list of everything wrong with them.  Despite the game-breaking glitches, routine server crashes, ludicrous amount of grinding, unintuitive menus and interfaces, and laughably stupid combat reviewers hailed Star Wars Galaxies as the digital Second Coming, assuring reviewers that, in time, it would be a great game as soon as the problems were ironed out.  Based on how the user base plummeted, my guess is it didn’t.  I consider this retribution for the $50 I would never get back from LucasArts, personally.

Loving a game, then watching it age horribly graphics-wise
There are a lot of PSX/N64 era games that could be hot contenders for this, but for me, there can only be one:

I can’t count how many hours I poured into Goldeneye.  Between replaying single player missions over and over again, exploiting cheats and hilarious glitches, and multiplayer with friends, it’s safe to say there are entire days of my life logged into this game.  However, as time went on, something was happened to my beloved Goldeneye.  As time wore on, the faces of the characters grew more and more pixelated, their faces increasingly less descriptive, and their bodies more awkward and gangly looking.  Or was the game itself just looking older?  Yes, Goldeneye is one of the most notorious casualties of hindsight, what with the shiny glistening seventh generation graphics we have now.  It’s still fun to play in a campy way, but it’ll never quite be the same.

Watching the decline of a beloved game or franchise
This one has less to do with nostalgia and more with watching a good franchise inevitably end, as immortal as it may appear at the time.  It might not even be because the games got progressively worse; it could simply be that the developers abandoned it.  Speaking of which:

Ah, Tribes.  The first Tribes and its sequel, Tribes 2, were no strangers to my computer.  The huge, open worlds, vehicles, bases, and ability of flight gave you a lot to do for 1998 and 2001, and what’s more, you could do it all with your friends.  These games were a lot of fun and some of the best multiplayer offerings back when PC gaming was soaring high, but after Tribes 2 the series started to weaken.  Tribes: Aerial Assault didn’t make nearly the impact that its predecessors had.  Tribes: Vengeance was better and even incorporated a single player storyline, but by now the competition had grown severe.  2004 gave us Half-Life 2, Halo 2, Counter-Strike: Source and Unreal Tournament 2004.  Ultimately, the developers sadly abandoned the Tribes series, officially concluding it and marking the end of a great series.

Watching a beloved older game turn into a horrible reboot
Let’s conclude this journey down memory lane by coming full circle to today.  Every so often a video game developer will attempt to remake or reboot an old franchise.  Some of them are good, some of them are bad, and some of them are awful enough to negate every good thing the older, better games had ever done.  Case in point?

Sega’s Secret Level team apparently thought it was good idea to turn a classic 2.5D side scrolling series into an aggravating, needlessly hard, flat out boring game.  It’s difficult to believe a game about a bikini clad woman riding a fire-breathing dragon on a quest to avenge fallen loved ones by confronting a giant demon could be this dull, but somehow they pulled it off.  I haven’t used the term revival because I can’t in good conscious consider this a revival of anything.

So that concludes some critical elements of growing up as a lifelong gamer.  I admit to still having some fondness for Quest 64 – the feeling of epic grandeur it held for me as a 10-something year old has been replaced by a campy retro charm that’s hard to overlook.  It’s a guilty pleasure, to say the least.  That being said, it’s important to not to simply dismiss the bad titles we played as young’uns, no matter how deeply they shame us today.  They shaped our perceptions and gave us some entertainment while they lasted, and even bad games have a place in history.

Have you, fellow gamer, ever wished you could somehow liven up misguided columns, self-righteous speeches, and condescending TV reports on how video games are teaching us to be obese killing machines?  Have you become tired of the same old boring diatribe on morality, Christianity, flawed arguments, and sweeping generalizations?  Well, look no further!  Your one way train to fun is right here!

Video Game Critic Bingo, First Edition, offers gamers the chance to have fun rather than simply spam obscenities into an article’s comments section or a pundit’s E-mail box.  With Video Game Critic Bingo, the power is yours to see just how many logical fallacy errors the author/pundit can serve up.  How does it work?  It’s easy!  Whenever you happen to see the inevitable trashing of video games on the horizon, arm yourself with this handy sheet:

Then simply have it on hand whenever the anti-video game sermon begins.  Mark the appropriate square whenever what the author/pundit does matches it, and you’re well on your way to VIDEO GAME CRITIC BINGO! In order to get VIDEO GAME CRITIC BINGO! you need only score five in a row diagonally, horizontally, or vertically.  We’ve even thrown in the center space for free, just for you.

Now, in addition to making anti-video game rants fun and productive, you have something to tell the author/pundit besides your disrespect and the request that they immediately get a full frontal lobotomy.  You get to tell this ill-informed gentleman or lady how close they came to VIDEO GAME CRITIC BINGO!

If you had the chance to play Need for Speed: Shift, EA has seen fit to reintroduce the Need for Speed series to Ferrari.  EA announced in a press release that a Ferrari downloadable content pack will be available for Shift starting on Februrary 16.  Ten sleek Ferrari cars as well as 46 Ferrari specific challenges can be yours – the only caveat is that it’s an Xbox 360 exclusive.  That being said, 360 owners can enjoy this package for 800 Microsoft points, or $10.

The cars that will be available are as follows:

1. 1996 Ferrari F50 GT

2. 2005 Ferrari F430 Spider

3. 2005 Ferrari FXX

4. 2005 Ferrari Superamerica

5. 2006 Ferrari 599 GTB Fiorano

6. 2006 Ferrari F430 Challenge (Online/Quick event only)

7. 2006 Ferrari F430 GTC (Online/Quick event only)

8. 2007 Ferrari 430 Scuderia

9. 2008 Ferrari California

10. 2008 Ferrari 16M Scuderia Spider

These are are all sure to endear themselves to car fans; as someone who isn’t necessarily a car enthusiast, I was drooling just a little looking at the 2005 Ferrari FXX.

Well, paint my house.  Electronic Arts announced today that it’s been a whopping ten years since the release of the original The Sims on PC back in the year 2000 when the Dreamcast was beginning its slow descent into obscurity, StarCraft was the height of RTS gaming, and PC gaming still mattered the Tribes series was the coolest thing to play with your friends (for me, anyway).

It’s still hard to believe we’ve come a full ten years since then.  In ten years we’ve witnessed The Sims 2, console versions, too many sequels to even begin to count, and finally The Sims 3.  We’ve seen the evolution of one of the biggest franchises in video game history, and having had the fortune to review the third game The Sims has grown up into a graphically proficient, diverse, opportunity-laden world where an entire town is at your disposal, even if I didn’t initially have the sci-fi setting I loved so much.

The Sims is just one example of the enormous changes in gaming companies, franchises, and trends we’ve seen over the past decades, but even by that standard it’s a notable one.  Throw a party in your Sims’ villa or take them out to town to celebrate.  Happy birthday, The Sims!

All I needed to hear was that Half-Minute­ Hero – by itself unusual for a JRPG title – apparently satirizes the genre.  Growing up with Final Fantasy, Dragon Quest, and Tales exacerbates repetitive and archaic elements of JRPGs, so I had to check this out.

Developer: Marvelous Entertainment
Publisher: XSEED Games
Genre: RPG?
Console(s): PlayStation Portable

The verdict: Finally, a JRPG willing to think outside the box and poke some fun at itself.  Half-Minute Hero is very entertaining, thirty seconds at a time.

What comes to mind when you think of JRPGs?  50-plus hours of linear gameplay?  Immensely complex narratives?  Lengthy, beautiful cutscenes?  Half-Minute Hero takes all of the conventions of JRPGs and tosses them to the wind.  Marvelous Entertainment’s 8-bit retro can loosely be classified as a parody of JRPGs, taking typical JRPG stereotypes and reinventing them in imaginative and clever ways.   There are some rough patches, but nothing that stops Half-Minute Hero from being a thoroughly enjoyable experience.

Saving the world 30 seconds at a time

Half-Minute Hero doesn’t have a plot, per se, but the game’s greatest strength is an uncanny sense of irony the developer took to simultaneously poke fun at the JRPG genre and give it a nod of appreciation.  The titular half-minute aspect comes into play because every single quest is 30 seconds long.  You’ll have 30 seconds at a time to use your selected hero to attack enemies, complete side quests, complete a spell, or do any number of things to stop the latest diabolical overlord from ending the world.  There are four gameplay modes, each of which naturally emphasizes speed and a sense of frantic urgency that makes the game a blast to play.

Half-minute perspective

Hero 30 is the primary game mode, and plays most similarly to a typical JRPG.  An evil mastermind has cast a spell of destruction that will doom the entire world in 30 seconds.  Your hero must race around the world defeating monsters and gaining experience and gold until you are strong enough to take on the dark one.  If you find yourself running short on time, you can pay the Time Goddess statue to restore 30 seconds to the clock, giving you precious extra time.

Princess 30 is akin to a shooter; the Princess and her honor guard move through the landscape while the princess shoots at anything unfortunate enough to go near her squad.  Given how helpless the princess usually is in a JRPG this mode will feel cathartic to JRPG players.  It’s fun and chaotic but there are times when all the action gets a little too busy to make out what’s going on.  The simplistic formula also means things will get old fairly quickly.  Still, the rapid pace means dullness never sets in for too long.

Evil Lord 30 draws elements from real time strategy.  You are (what else?) an evil lord, and your objective is to kill all of the baddies in 30 seconds using summoned monsters.  The game utilizes a rock-paper-scissors component so different enemies have strengths and weaknesses.  There are some minor AI goofs when my summoned monsters seemed to forget where they were, but they minor and didn’t detract from an entertaining experience.  Knight 30 is also simple, but has a creative concept.  You need to protect a sage casting his own 30 second spell in order to destroy the evil one trying to destroy the world.  The action is a lot of fun, but your effective close range combat makes the traps you’re given unnecessary in most situations.

Replay value, one pixel at a time

Collectively the four gameplay modes provide an impressive ten hours of replay value though individual missions last a few minutes each.  This may not sound like much and may disappoint old school JRPG fans, but given the short length of the missions ten hours is still admirable.  The rapid pace also eases any repetition brought on by the same objectives, not to mention the difficulty ramps up as you’re tested in a number of different ways relating to the power of enemies and the time mechanic.

Half-Minute Hero presents itself as a retro homage, and for NES veterans it will be a charming throwback to days before water-reflective surfaces or even 3D.  The graphics and sounds are highly reminiscent of 8 and 16-bit technology and it gives the game an endearing charm.  Environments are deliberately threadbare to emphasize the time period we’re in, but everything is colorful and cutely designed.  Sprites for monsters and characters are exaggerated and over-pixelated to emphasize the atmosphere.  Even the text and menu have a retro feel to them in the way they look.  Marvelous Entertainment didn’t use this as an excuse to cut corner; in its own way the game looks great, and there’s no slowdown even when the Princess 30 missions get frantic.

Conclusion

JRPG game, homage, and satire; Half-Minute Hero is all of these rolled into one.  Objections do get a little repetitive, but the pacing makes the experience a lot of fun and the sheer charm of the game makes it hard to resist.  It’s easy, accessible, and bound to make older gamers feel warm and fuzzy.  Even if you aren’t the biggest JRPG fan (indeed, this might help), Half-Minute Hero is a worthy addition to any PSP library.